I wish I could make it right
Mar. 24th, 2008 07:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raloriaI never intended to make yet another emo post...*sigh*
I seem to be radically emotional lately. I listened to some music today that...well....totally changed my mood around for the day. I really didn't anticipate it would effect me the way it did. But when I think about it, it makes total sense. It's an album of music (Never Walk Away by Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver) that I had on the computer for my dad. He really liked this album and always wanted me to listen to it. I never did....until now. And I love it...I really do. But listening to it now, after all this time is bittersweet because my dad passed away almost 2 years ago. It's just another reminder of an avenue I could've taken to be closer to him, but never wanted to take the time to do. And suddenly I'm thinking of Dean's tirade at Sam over their dad....
"And now that he's dead, now you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry Sam, but you can't, it's too little, too late."
Yeah, I know what that feels like. That overwhelming guilt. I thought I was over it....had moved on. But I guess the anniversary of his death coming up in May is bringing up a lot of the hurt feelings I thought I'd left behind. I've been thinking about him more in the past few hours than I have in the past year. Thinking, remembering, wishing things had been better between us, and most of all missing him. I feel in a lot of ways my life has fallen apart since his death and I'm still struggling two years later to put it back together again. I've made some progress, but it's tiny steps and I wish I could make it go faster. Just dealing with this whole grieving/recovery process has been a learning experience. I hit some rock-bottom lows that now, when I think about them really scare me. I'm not in that dark place anymore, but I guess I can't escape from it entirely and on days like today I can still duck my head in and feel that hole swallow me up for a little bit.
I seem to be radically emotional lately. I listened to some music today that...well....totally changed my mood around for the day. I really didn't anticipate it would effect me the way it did. But when I think about it, it makes total sense. It's an album of music (Never Walk Away by Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver) that I had on the computer for my dad. He really liked this album and always wanted me to listen to it. I never did....until now. And I love it...I really do. But listening to it now, after all this time is bittersweet because my dad passed away almost 2 years ago. It's just another reminder of an avenue I could've taken to be closer to him, but never wanted to take the time to do. And suddenly I'm thinking of Dean's tirade at Sam over their dad....
Yeah, I know what that feels like. That overwhelming guilt. I thought I was over it....had moved on. But I guess the anniversary of his death coming up in May is bringing up a lot of the hurt feelings I thought I'd left behind. I've been thinking about him more in the past few hours than I have in the past year. Thinking, remembering, wishing things had been better between us, and most of all missing him. I feel in a lot of ways my life has fallen apart since his death and I'm still struggling two years later to put it back together again. I've made some progress, but it's tiny steps and I wish I could make it go faster. Just dealing with this whole grieving/recovery process has been a learning experience. I hit some rock-bottom lows that now, when I think about them really scare me. I'm not in that dark place anymore, but I guess I can't escape from it entirely and on days like today I can still duck my head in and feel that hole swallow me up for a little bit.
