Can I change my ways?
Jan. 6th, 2010 06:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
raloriaI'm starting to feel like such a failure at this whole LJ thing.
Socially, I'm not very outgoing. I'm shy. Online it's a little better. I can express myself better (or at least I hope so) with the written word than I can verbally. As I start the new year with new goals for myself I'm trying to reach out to my flist more, to comment on your posts, to get to know you better. But I wonder if it's enough and how long will I be able to keep this up? I'm sure to fall back into my old bad habits eventually and probably sooner than I think. It's easy to do....start making too many posts, take too much time prepping for others and there'll I'll be....back to the old me of 2009. I don't want to end up where I was a few months ago, being the selfish, arrogant person I became. I want to change, but I also know myself. I'm probably fighting a losing battle.
I'm still feeling the sting of the "lessons" I learned in the latter part of the year. I'm still doubting myself, worried about pissing someone off, concerned I'm posting too much and that I'm ignoring my flist yet again. I can still remember nearly word for word the points that were made against me. I can't deny them, I was that person, but am I capable of changing them? My flist has been reduced, but is that enough? The past few days I've tried to comment more, but has anyone noticed? Is it enough? Sometimes I find I don't know what to say. I have no new views, nothing to add, nothing to contribute that others haven't already done, so I remain silent. I can't even participate in the those "ask me a question" type of memes because I don't know what to ask anyone. Yep, fail.
I know many of you have no expectations of me and you're content with whatever I can handle. But of course, I do put a ton of pressure on myself and in some ways it's doubled now because I feel I can't even complain about how I may be feeling.
As much as I love LJ and what I've been able to do here, it's also torn me apart several times last year. I learned how vulnerable I am, that mistakes can be horrible and with long lasting effects, and that I'd become far too big-headed. Starting off last year with an accusation of being a thief by a person who still claims to like me should have told me there was more to come. A line had been crossed and I felt exposed, that someone could take my intentions to share things and twist it into thievery was hurtful, not to mention the $100 dollars that was being demanded as payment. Then there was the various wank incidents I got involved in, if only on the edges. I'm trying my best to stay away from those events because goodness knows I don't need to seek out trouble, it'll find me. The anonymous meme was the final straw and I only have myself to blame. Being pointed out your faults by unknown people has to be the worst feeling ever. Naturally, I felt attacked, but there had to be some truth to their words, right? Some soul-searching later and I couldn't deny what I'd become....everything they said about me was true. Admitting defeat and apologizing for my wrongs brought an end to it all, but I can't forget that incident. I'm censoring myself all the time, cautious to not rub people the wrong way.
It's easy for me to preach that I can't please everyone, but it's tough to put it into practice. Like everyone, I want to do things that people like and I want people to like me. There will be those that don't, of course, but there's nothing I can do about that and learning that realization is a tough thing to accept. And I can take constructive criticism, but what I can't handle is faceless attacks.
The other side of the coin is that I get the impression that people think I'm un-approachable. People are afraid of upsetting me, of bothering me because I'm always busy, of their fanart not measuring up to mine (yes, I've been told this). Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve and defriendings tend to hurt me, but I know they're going to happen and it's a fact of LJ life. Yes, I'm busy most of the time, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help people should they ask me a question. And for goodness sakes, my fanart is plain compared to so many gorgeous works out there by others. I'm a fanart lightweight. I use the online editor Picnik and not some complicated photo-editing software with tons of layers and effects. There are many extremely talented people in this fandom and I am in no way on the same level as them. I can count many of you on my flist as prime examples.
I've rambled on long enough and if you've read all of this then you should win an award. This has all been festering in my brain for far too long and I had to get it all out in the open. Maybe it'll help me move on.
I can't make any promises because as I said, I'm almost certain to fail, but what I can say is that I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and change my ways. I want to be a better LJ friend and I'm going to do whatever I can to make that happen, but I'm sure I'll stumble along the way. If you think I'm not meeting your expectations, if you think I'm a whiny self-centered bitch, if you're sick of me in any way, if you're tired of waiting....you can hit that defriend button. Many already have. But if you're willing to give me a chance, I'm happy to have you. I've been ever thankful for my flist, for the people I've met here, the connections I've made (even if they're small), and that's no matter how big my flist is. I don't know what I'd do without you all. Thanks for listening and for your patience as I continue to find my way.
Socially, I'm not very outgoing. I'm shy. Online it's a little better. I can express myself better (or at least I hope so) with the written word than I can verbally. As I start the new year with new goals for myself I'm trying to reach out to my flist more, to comment on your posts, to get to know you better. But I wonder if it's enough and how long will I be able to keep this up? I'm sure to fall back into my old bad habits eventually and probably sooner than I think. It's easy to do....start making too many posts, take too much time prepping for others and there'll I'll be....back to the old me of 2009. I don't want to end up where I was a few months ago, being the selfish, arrogant person I became. I want to change, but I also know myself. I'm probably fighting a losing battle.
I'm still feeling the sting of the "lessons" I learned in the latter part of the year. I'm still doubting myself, worried about pissing someone off, concerned I'm posting too much and that I'm ignoring my flist yet again. I can still remember nearly word for word the points that were made against me. I can't deny them, I was that person, but am I capable of changing them? My flist has been reduced, but is that enough? The past few days I've tried to comment more, but has anyone noticed? Is it enough? Sometimes I find I don't know what to say. I have no new views, nothing to add, nothing to contribute that others haven't already done, so I remain silent. I can't even participate in the those "ask me a question" type of memes because I don't know what to ask anyone. Yep, fail.
I know many of you have no expectations of me and you're content with whatever I can handle. But of course, I do put a ton of pressure on myself and in some ways it's doubled now because I feel I can't even complain about how I may be feeling.
As much as I love LJ and what I've been able to do here, it's also torn me apart several times last year. I learned how vulnerable I am, that mistakes can be horrible and with long lasting effects, and that I'd become far too big-headed. Starting off last year with an accusation of being a thief by a person who still claims to like me should have told me there was more to come. A line had been crossed and I felt exposed, that someone could take my intentions to share things and twist it into thievery was hurtful, not to mention the $100 dollars that was being demanded as payment. Then there was the various wank incidents I got involved in, if only on the edges. I'm trying my best to stay away from those events because goodness knows I don't need to seek out trouble, it'll find me. The anonymous meme was the final straw and I only have myself to blame. Being pointed out your faults by unknown people has to be the worst feeling ever. Naturally, I felt attacked, but there had to be some truth to their words, right? Some soul-searching later and I couldn't deny what I'd become....everything they said about me was true. Admitting defeat and apologizing for my wrongs brought an end to it all, but I can't forget that incident. I'm censoring myself all the time, cautious to not rub people the wrong way.
It's easy for me to preach that I can't please everyone, but it's tough to put it into practice. Like everyone, I want to do things that people like and I want people to like me. There will be those that don't, of course, but there's nothing I can do about that and learning that realization is a tough thing to accept. And I can take constructive criticism, but what I can't handle is faceless attacks.
The other side of the coin is that I get the impression that people think I'm un-approachable. People are afraid of upsetting me, of bothering me because I'm always busy, of their fanart not measuring up to mine (yes, I've been told this). Yes, I wear my heart on my sleeve and defriendings tend to hurt me, but I know they're going to happen and it's a fact of LJ life. Yes, I'm busy most of the time, but that doesn't mean I don't want to help people should they ask me a question. And for goodness sakes, my fanart is plain compared to so many gorgeous works out there by others. I'm a fanart lightweight. I use the online editor Picnik and not some complicated photo-editing software with tons of layers and effects. There are many extremely talented people in this fandom and I am in no way on the same level as them. I can count many of you on my flist as prime examples.
I've rambled on long enough and if you've read all of this then you should win an award. This has all been festering in my brain for far too long and I had to get it all out in the open. Maybe it'll help me move on.
I can't make any promises because as I said, I'm almost certain to fail, but what I can say is that I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and change my ways. I want to be a better LJ friend and I'm going to do whatever I can to make that happen, but I'm sure I'll stumble along the way. If you think I'm not meeting your expectations, if you think I'm a whiny self-centered bitch, if you're sick of me in any way, if you're tired of waiting....you can hit that defriend button. Many already have. But if you're willing to give me a chance, I'm happy to have you. I've been ever thankful for my flist, for the people I've met here, the connections I've made (even if they're small), and that's no matter how big my flist is. I don't know what I'd do without you all. Thanks for listening and for your patience as I continue to find my way.
