Welcome to my emotional rollercoaster

[raloria]

I've been kinda down in the dumps lately, mainly the result of a few little things that are starting to eat away at me, but I suspect a bigger cause at work here. If the past several years are anything to go by this is the beginning of me being emotional for a couple of months. The fact that I'm even recognizing this behavior is a big step for me. The cause for this? The upcoming anniversary of my dad's death on May 12th.

However, starting this year, there'll be 2 anniversaries in May, since my uncle passed away May 1st of last year. This will be anniversary number 4 for my dad, which alternately feels like a big and a small number. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and other times....just yesterday. Going through that all over again with my uncle's passing last year wasn't easy either.

Somehow, the months and weeks leading up to the day is when I get all emotional. On the day itself, I'm fine....calm. I can't explain it, but this has been the "norm" for the past 2 years. I'd say 3, but I honestly can't recall that first anniversary. I was so messed up that first year that only a few things stand out. Funny how you can look back on things and see them for what they really were instead of the illusion you had at the time. I won't go into the details here right now. I've considered talking about it, but I'm not quite ready yet. Let's just say....I thought I was dealing with my dad's death and I was "fine"....but I wasn't. For a whole year I wasn't.

And now that dreaded day is coming around again.

So keep in mind I'm likely to be on an emotional rollercoaster until then. I'll be up one minute and down the next. Little things are likely to set me off into depression. I do a lot of self-abuse in the form of thinking negative thoughts and berating myself for everything I'm doing wrong. It's already starting....thus this warning. You've all been patient with me in the past and I hope you'll do so again. From the little outburst I just had on Twitter *facepalms*, this is liable to be a doozy of emotions over the next 2 months. *sigh*

I'm assuming this sort of thing is part of the normal grieving process. It's sometimes hard for me to identify since I'm still on this journey. I have realized that I can never be who I was before my dad's death. I'm no longer that person and I can't go back. Believe it or not, but it's taken me about the past 2 years to deal with that issue alone.

This year, is about getting my life back on track. It's not about being who I was before, but about being this new me, about living a better life than I have since my dad went into the hospital at the end of April 4 years ago.

For the first time in years I'm getting up in the mornings instead of staying up until then and sleeping through the afternoons. For about the past month I've been getting up at 9 a.m. I hope to move it up to 8:00 soon. Still struggling a little with the getting to bed early part (lifetime of being a nightowl here), but I'm determined to make this work and I don't give up easily. I'm back to walking, too. It's not just about prepping for the walking between hotels in Vancouver during VanCon. It's about getting healthier and losing weight as well. I'm eating better, too. More fruits, some extra vegetables, simpler foods, and organic ones. I rarely eat any cookies or anything sugary. I have them, in case I have a craving, but that's it. I still have my nightly ice cream, but I've cut back on the amount a lot. I really eat very little from day to day, but I don't deprive myself of food.

Well, anyway....I'm getting off topic a bit. Me and my rambling, you know. :P

I simply wanted to let you all know that I'm likely to be kind of....different...from now until mid-May. I'm not sure whether you'll notice it all the time or not. I'm sure there will be a few instances though, so I wanted to give you a heads-up. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna think this post was a horrible idea in about 10 minutes. *sigh*

Hang in there with me if you can. If not, if you wanna cut me off and head for the safest hill, that's fine. I get it. Depressing posts aren't for everyone. Emo outbursts aren't easy to handle. All I can say is it won't be permanent. Once I'm past the disaster that is May, I'm pretty much okay.

If you've hung around to read all this, thank you.